The First 2 Things You Can Do When Your Loved One Uses THAT Voice That Triggers You
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If you prefer to read, here’s the video transcript
Hi, I’m Corrina Gordon-Barnes – here to help you feel more peaceful and connected with the ones you love and today we’re looking at The Voice – no, not the TV show but THAT VOICE that your loved one does that you just find drives you crazy, the one that triggers you.
So, you might be thinking about your partner or family member or a friend and perhaps their voice is patronising and condescending and it has that air of superiority and like they’re talking down to you or like you’re a 5-year old and that voice just drives you crazy.
Or perhaps their voice is really aggressive. It’s harsh, it’s sharp, it’s mean, they raise their voice and you just hate it. Or perhaps for you the voice that really triggers you is that poor me martyr sighing and kind of “life is so hard” and that voice you just can’t bear it.
So, what can we do about these voices because other people’s voices are outside of your control, right? It comes out of their mouth, it comes out of their vocal chords, so do you just spend the rest of your life feeling frustrated and triggered and annoyed? Or is there a way to peace that is within your power?
Well, if you’ve been connected with me for a while, you’ll know the answer is that there’s always a way to peace that’s within your power.
So today we’re looking at the first two things you can do when someone’s voice triggers you. The first thing you can do is you can ask them to change how they speak with you, so making requests is so in our power, it doesn’t mean the other person is going to agree but we can make a request. We can say “Please don’t speak with me in that tone of voice” or “Please don’t speak with me that way” or “Please would you lower your voice”. You can make that request but if you feel you can’t make that request or you’ve tried and they just don’t respond, don’t worry – that’s just option one. The second option is such a powerful one. Are you ready for it?
The second option is that you can see their voice as a mirror. You might be thinking “No way, that’s ridiculous, I never make that voice, that is in no way a mirror for me, I’m never aggressive, I’m never patronising, I’m never poor me martyr. And you’re probably right, most of us when our voice comes out of our mouth we do a really good job of it being polite and kind and smooth and warm, but what’s happening with your internal voice? Really ask yourself that question: when I hear this voice in someone else, what happens to my internal voice, that voice in my head?
When I was preparing and thinking about this video, I was actually sitting in Cambridge Central Library, I was sitting there, a nice quiet library, and this couple were standing by the bookshelf right by me, and the woman in the couple started talking in a very loud voice, complaining about the ordnance survey maps she was looking through and instantly I just felt so annoyed, like: “This is meant to be a quiet space!” And what do you think the voice inside my head was like? It was loud in my head and it was complaining. So the voice in my head was an exact match for the voice that was annoying me so much on the outside.
So, this takes a lot of honesty, a lot of self-awareness, to look inside yourself and ask: when they’re speaking aggressively with me, does my voice become aggressive? Do I fight back, shout back mentally? Does it become aggressive self-talk?
Or let’s say you get annoyed that they’re being a “poor me” martyr and maybe inside you go something like this: “It’s just not fair I have a mother like this. Why is she always like this? Why do I have to contend with this?” And so you can find that martyr “poor me” voice inside of you.
It’s really easy and understandable and normal and reasonable that we think the problem is out there, we think the problem is their voice, but this is the way to peace and power: get honest and self-aware, really reflect.
Take this challenge this week, when you hear a voice that triggers you, ask yourself: What’s my internal voice doing in response? – because that’s something you can deal with and it opens up the possibility of connection with that other person because look: you have the same voice!
If you’re feeling uncomfortable, like: I don’t want this voice in my head! What can I do about this? Get coaching. It’s the same question an athlete asks: how do I run faster, how do I throw further? You get a coach, you get coaching, so speak with me about that possibility, here’s the link, come and fill out the form on that page.
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